House of Alcina

I have no idea where this week went, but it certainly went.

I’ve been tending to our very sick little Yorkie, Bowser, who is in his last days. I mentioned that he suffered what we believe was a heat stroke a few days ago, and he’s been severely affected neurologically. The vet started him on gabapentin, and now we’re just waiting for his transition over the Rainbow Bridge.

It’s been mentally more challenging than I expected because he’s obviously so confused and has no idea where he is. He does the saddest things. He walks into walls, stands in corners trying to keep walking without ever turning around, and even if you pick him up, his little legs keep moving like he’s still trying to go somewhere.

I’ve basically turned my house into a padded room for a ten-pound dog. We have foam barriers, baby gates, towels over sharp corners, pillows beside the washer and dryer because he kept trying to get behind them, and I even had to push the couch against the wall because he kept getting stuck back there.

I know a lot of people would have already chosen euthanasia, and I completely understand why. But I’m having such a hard time with that because he doesn’t seem like he’s in pain. The vet agreed that the gabapentin would help keep him comfortable and allow him to pass peacefully if that’s what his little body is preparing to do.

It’s really only between doses that he has these pacing episodes. Once the medication kicks in, he relaxes completely. He sleeps peacefully, and for a little while he looks comfortable again.

It’s still breaking my heart.

Gary was supposed to work overnight, but Bowser had such a rough day today that he decided to come on home. I’ll be surprised if Bowser makes it through the night, but then again, I’ve said that on a couple of other nights too. That’s the funny thing about death. You just never know how much fight someone has left in them.

I think, more than anything, I’m ready for him to go. Not because I won’t miss him—I already do—but because mentally he’s just not here anymore. I’m ready for his little body to finally be at rest.

You’ll never convince me dogs don’t go to heaven. I can already picture my mama waiting right there to scoop up her little Bowser. She loved that dog so much.

Anyway, I spent most of today trying to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. I’ve been organizing my art supplies out in the garage, and I think I gave Harper about half of them. I had supplies from four different houses, plus some of Jay’s old art things. It was honestly a little overwhelming. I’ve probably got enough watercolor and mixed-media paper to last me the rest of my life, and I definitely won’t need to buy ink pens anytime soon. I found what had to be fifty Micron pens out there, although I’m guessing at least half of them have dried up.

Speaking of art supplies, I was so excited about the new alcohol markers I ordered. I bought a 24 piece skin-tone set and an 80-piece basic set, only to realize after they arrived that I’d accidentally ordered the chisel-tip version instead of the brush tips. I still love them, and I’m definitely keeping them, but I ended up ordering two more brush-tip sets (the same two) anyway. It was completely my fault. I didn’t notice I’d left the drop-down menu on the chisel option before I checked out. They’re great markers, but they’re just not ideal for detailed work. Now I’m impatiently waiting for the brush-tip ones to arrive.

I guess that’s about all that’s going on around here. It’s strange how life can be so ordinary and so heartbreaking all at once. One minute you’re sorting through stacks of art supplies, and the next you’re making little padded pathways through your house for a dog you’ve loved for years.

I’m exhausted tonight, more emotionally than physically. I keep listening for Bowser every few minutes, wondering if he’s okay or if this will be the night. I don’t want him to suffer, but I don’t quite know how to say goodbye either.

For now, all we can do is love him through whatever time he has left. I think that’s enough.

Hope everyone is doing well. 🙏🏼