House of Alcina

Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

Definitely the future. If I thought about the past too much, I wouldn’t be able to survive.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve buried my best friend, parents, and my only sibling.. I absolutely have days that I get lost in the past and my grief, but with time I have learned to lean more into my faith.

I had an experience 2 years ago that really changed my entire perception of life.

The night before we found my brother deceased I had a dream/vision of him with my Mother, who passed away in 2020. They were both so healthy looking and wearing white clothing. I have only ever been able to describe the feeling as if you’re holding on to one side of a rope, and someone has the other side and it’s pulled very tightly, and then they just suddenly let go and the tension dissipates. I don’t know where it went but it was literally like it just left in an instant and I knew that he was no longer on this Earth in his body. I knew he was with my Mom and I knew it wasn’t just a “dream”. It was them letting me know they were together and okay, but I was not ok initially.

I sat straight up and bed, woke my husband up and screamed “Jay is with my Mama!! Jay’s dead, Gary!! Something has happened to Jay. He’s not here anymore!!”. Gary thought I was overreacting to a bad dream and calmed me down, but I didn’t sleep at all that night. Early that morning, as soon as I knew my step dad would be awake I immediately called him to go over and check on him. He lived a few miles from him and we were across the state. Within an hour he found him deceased.

I will always believe he was letting me know to go get his body out of that house. He had been deceased for over a week and his dog was just about to starve to death. It was such a surreal experience. When my phone rang after I’d sent Alan to check on him, I threw up in the hallway because I already knew what he was going to say. My husband took my phone and answered on speaker and all I heard were the words “he’s gone- she was right” and I fainted.

My brother and I rarely went that long without talking but we were in the process of moving had we were 8 hrs away. I had told him we’d call him when we settled into our AirBnb which would have been 4 days later. But I know his dog Louie would not have been alive by that point, and he adored that baby (he now lives with step dad and they are wonderful companions. He is lonely after losing my mother so it worked out well).

It was all so weird. The whole thing. But here’s what I know…. My brother is in heaven with my Mother. He wanted me to know that, and that vision, keeps me going and looking forward. That vision gave me the strength I needed to not let myself go into the depression I’d faced when I lost my mother. It gave me a peace that I cannot describe. That vision was a gift from God, in my opinion. I was able to get my brother’s body back to us where he belonged, and save sweet Louie.

So… I try to think of that night/morning when I get caught up in thoughts about the past. I like to revisit sweet memories, but I do not like to dwell on things I cannot change.

Life moves forward whether we want it to or not. It’s so much easier if we just go with it. 🤍